It’s funny you ask. I’ve been getting this question a lot lately, or at least variations of it. “What made you want to switch careers? Do you miss writing? You should write about that…” I don’t dislike any of these questions. In fact, I welcome it because then I get to reminisce about my writing days. It’s like visiting an old friend. But it turns out that old friend has changed tremendously.
I can’t say I’m a writer anymore. That used to fill me with such grief even just a year ago. I’d write a poem and love it but then instantly feel this pang of pain in my chest. I felt such a loss because I couldn’t devote more of myself to this great joy of words. But things have changed. I still love writing but the obsession of being great has faded. I used to want to be a great writer. I used to be enthralled with words. I loved the high of getting lost in a story or a poem. But that wildfire has died down to a much softer flame. What started out as a flood has become a subtle spring rain. More dew drops, less tsunamis of passion.
It’s quite a strange transition. I never imagined myself the way that I am now. I used to be so motivated by passion and emotional highs. I was such a dreamer. I still am a dreamer but the temperature has changed. I think when you’re no longer driven by a singular passion you begin to discover other parts to yourself. I’ve discovered so much more about who I am and who I want to be. It’s crazy to think of writing in this way – but I think it limited me for a long time. As much as I loved writing, it took up far too much internal space.
So now, when I write, my feelings have changed. It’s pleasant. I enjoy it. Sometimes I write something and still think to myself, damn that’s good. The talent is still there. I’m glad it hasn’t gone because I’ve neglected it. But that’s about it. Sometimes I daydream about the days where God brings back the opportunity to write. But still for now, I believe God wants me to counsel people as I’ve been learning how to do for the past 2.5 years.
Learning how to counsel clients has developed different areas of my heart, mind, and soul. It’s like I’ve opened up entire rooms to myself I didn’t know existed and then I started decorating. My journey to becoming a counselor has fundamentally changed me as a human being. But I’m relieved to say that being a counselor is not who I am, it is simply something I do. And that simplicity and lack of worldly ambition has freed me in ways I didn’t know needed freeing.
I think maybe it’s also a part of getting older. I’m 32 now. I learned to throw away my ideal timeline years ago – and all the expectations society thrusts upon you as soon as you turn 30. F-the timeline. You’re on God’s timeline. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve felt my heart and thoughts getting softer. I’m not so thrown around by the waves of circumstance or external things. I feel such a deeper peace now – in everything, even writing. Writing will always be there. But it isn’t my life anymore. It’s crazy to think that I can write that without even a splinter of pain anymore.
So, whatever your version of writing is, I hope you remember that you’re worth more than that. There’s more to life and your heart than that one thing that makes you tick. Turns out there are many things in this world that can make you feel alive. You just need the courage to search for it.
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