Dear God,
It’s a lot. Going to you for comfort when all I want to do is call someone up and get comfort from a friend immediately, is a lot. Today’s counseling appointment was a lot too. So much came up that I was ashamed of. I don’t like the way that I am with men and dating. I feel guilty. I think I am manipulative at times. And at other times, I have such low self-worth that I accept the absolute worst in people and tell myself it’s enough. I want to believe I deserve more. I want to stop playing with people’s hearts. I want to stop trying and redeem my past with men now. I want to be healthy.
Counseling and healing feel like such a long road. Once I open a door and work on a wound, it’s like another wound’s door flings open and a whole bunch of crap and pain comes spilling and oozing out. It feels like the hurt and pain never ends. But I do feel progress.
As hard as it’s been, I feel progress. I feel like I am getting better but I’m still at the beginning stage. It turns out that after going through that initial chaotic pandora’s box stage, things actually do calm down. Things feel better and worse at the same time. Maybe that’s the feeling of progress – when things get both better and worse. Better, because I feel the surface waves of healing. And worse, because I feel the undercurrents of pain so much deeper and more visibly now than ever before.
Life is not easy. It never was. Maybe, it never will be. But I think I’ve grown in the way I’m handling things now. I’m not hiding from pain anymore. When I’m sad, I let myself feel sad. When I’m angry, I let myself feel angry. When I need to cry, sometimes I let myself cry. I think I’m getting better. I think I’m getting stronger.
Things are changing. The closer I’ve gotten to you, the more I’ve lost. It feels like things shouldn’t be this way. But this is the way things are. This is the nature of picking up my cross and following you. I feel you have sustained me on the road of surrender. And yet, things are still hard. I’m stronger now but everything feels harder. Grief is more potent. Pain is more real. Sacrifice is getting deeper now. But my resolve to follow you has been maintained. Thank you for maintaining it, Lord.
I don’t have many goals for 2025 Lord. I used to pride myself on being a goal-orientated, ambitious individual. But all I want, all I have the strength to dream of God is: your will be done, your kingdom come. Help me to love, Lord, even when I am tired. Keep me going, Jesus, when I no longer have the strength. Maybe this state of constant desperation and feeling like I no longer amount to much is exactly where you want me to be. Maybe this is the beginning of humility. This constant losing myself.
So God, please refill all the emptiness inside with your goodness, your kindness, your tenderness, hope, and love. Because I need it. I keep on getting back to the phrase, what else is there? I want you, God. I need you. What else is there? I love you. Keep me on the narrow road.
Until next time, from your daughter,
Sylvia
Hopeful Song Blog 