If you had a chaotic childhood or adolescence, you may understand what I’m about to talk about. Growing up was not a suburban dream for me. It was chaotic. Inconsistent. There was a lot of financial and familial instability. Because of this constant state of conflict, I spent a lot of my younger years in survival mode. My emotions were wanting to bubble up to the surface but I never let them get further up than my chest. After several years of simply surviving, my mind, heart, and body became accustomed to that state of unrest.
It didn’t seem bad or abnormal at the moment. Because after a while, you become acclimated to the environment. But then, something rather strange occurs when your environment changes. Lately (as you might be able to tell from my last few posts) I’ve entered into a season of peace and stillness. My mind and body aren’t a total wreck. I’ve allowed myself to rest and things just feel better. But transitioning into that “better” season came with a lot of confusion.
I felt like a fish out of water. What is this stillness? Is all this peace, ok? Am I allowed to feel this normal? Is this even normal? What the heck even is normal? A part of me craved the old chaos. The extremes. The up and down emotions that carried me for two decades. I wondered why, but then I realized that that way of life was what I was used to. That old life of constant survival mode was all I knew for a very long time. So, it makes sense as to why my mind and body craved the old ways.
Change takes time. Transitions are hard. It’s like if you lived as a brunette your whole life and look in the mirror and suddenly saw yourself as a red head – obviously it’s going to shock you. You will be taken aback and question a lot of things. Is this even better? Should I go back to my “normal” self? The questions can go on and on.
But if you’re also dealing with a season of transition, I want to encourage you. This change is good. It is a good thing. It is good to feel peace and rest after so many years of crisis. Yes, it will feel weird at first. But all new things feel weird at first! Give it some time. Allow yourself to enjoy these new things and novel way of life.
And if you do crave that chaos from time to time, I’ve learned that you have to channel it into positive spontaneous events rather than a car crash into disaster. If you want to have a burst of passion, take a run and feel that runner’s high. If you want to feel your old version of joy, stay up late hanging out with friends and exploring your city. Not everything from the past needs to die. You’re just upgrading the old, self-sabotaging, survival ways into new, healthy expressions. It’s just like curating a new wardrobe. It may be new clothes – but at the end of the day, they’re still clothes. Only better ones this time.
So, to end it, here’s something I say to myself from time to time when the changing pace of life feels difficult. “You have permission to be happy. You have permission to change. Who you are turning into is not less than who you were before. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Just focus on today.”
Hopeful Song blog 