I’ve had an epiphany recently. It was during my break in Austin. For the last five days I’ve been chilling back in my hometown with my mom. I haven’t been doing much. There’s been no set agenda or goal. We just did what we wanted to do in the moment. We went to the lake which was so relaxing. I went shopping on my own. We also tried camping which turned out to be an epic fail. But it’s been amazing how much clarity comes through rest.
It hit me one afternoon, post-counseling session, as I sat in the outlets parking lot. Why in the world have I been pushing myself so damn hard for so many years? It feels like at least once or twice a year, without fail, I get hit with major burnout. I keep putting so much pressure on myself. To succeed. To achieve. To prove something. To prove myself. That I did it, or made it, or I’m worth something. This, I realized after just a few days of rest, is an exhausting, unsustainable way to live.
You can only give so much of yourself, to the world, and to others. But lately, I’ve felt like a wringed out kitchen rag, completely emptied of myself. It’s like I keep finding myself at the end of myself and begging God to restore me. I’m 31 but I feel 55. Sometimes it feels like I’m always jaded. I think it’s because of this process of continually pushing myself until there’s not much left. But I want to change that now. I want to change.
It’s sad really. I could go through several more months of counseling, but deep down I think I already know the reason. It feels like I have this subconscious thought in the back of my mind that I need to be successful and achieve great things to be worth something. To have any worth at all. I need to be great. Whether it’s in writing. As a friend. As a daughter. As a graduate student. As a future counselor. I need to be great at it so that I feel some sense of worth. If it’s not the top, if it’s not perfection, I end up feeling like a failure. But that’s so foolish Sylvia.
When I think about how much God loves me, it all seems foolish. I already have value. Everyone has an innate value just by being alive. Just by being human. Logically, I know this. But deep in my heart, I’m not so sure I believe this. And I think that’s one of the main reasons why I live with so much burden and pressure all the damn time. It is exhausting. I am exhausted.
But the benefit of this realization is this, I don’t want to live with this burden of striving and achieving anymore. I don’t want this self-inflicted destiny of greatness to pressure me all the time. I don’t want striving and proving worth to be my engine in life any longer. I want to change. I want to rest and just be. No sense of obligation. Yes, of course, I will still fulfill all my responsibilities and work hard. But I don’t want this secret dictator in the back of my mind pushing me to be more than who I am now in this moment.
God enjoys me. He delights in me. And I delight in him. I love the people in my life. I love writing, and music, art, passion, beauty, nature. I love to laugh. That can all be enough. Where I am now is enough. Who I am right now is enough. Instead of forcing and molding things with my own two hands I can take a step back and rest. God’s got me. Life will keep moving without me pushing some imaginary wheel. The world will keep turning. I am loved now. I can love who I am now. I can enjoy my life as it is now. No more striving Sylvia. You’re good enough. One day, you will believe it. And to anyone who happens to read this, you are enough. Who you are in this moment, is enough. You are loved.
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