Why is it So Hard to Feel Sometimes?

Why is it so hard to feel sometimes? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself over the last year. Why do I stand at the precipice of emotions and then turn away? Why do I see my feelings as a bystander instead of the person that inhabits this body of mine? It’s like I can see everything inside of me – but I choose not to touch it. I choose not to lean in. I take a look. I take a step back. And then I run in the other direction.

Turns out there are several reasons. There’s fear. I think once you’ve reached the very depths of yourself there remains this lingering fear that you’ll go back to that dark, dry place one day. If you feel all of your feelings, you’ll end up in the pit again. And maybe, the next time, you won’t have the strength to climb out. And so, you’ll be stuck there. At least, that’s what I tell myself sometimes.

But I think recently I’ve discovered that the very acknowledgement of that pit takes time. Only recently, I’ve really begun to search within myself and realize that that pit is actually so much deeper. It’s almost like a cave, or a tunnel. It spans miles and miles deep within me. It’s so dark and hollow and filled with pain. It’s like those highways that are built through mountains. It’s just an arid place that reaches so deep and far inside of me. I don’t even know where to begin.

There’s another reason why I think it can be hard to feel. Growing up in a minority household, it’s common for people to hold in their feelings. We just shove it down. Any anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, we push it down and we don’t acknowledge it so that we can survive and make it to tomorrow. It’s survival mode in its purest form. We swallow the feelings just so that we are able to breathe and make it to school or work the next day. But all of that swallowing and suffocation builds until one day there’s this mountain inside of you and you don’t know what to do with it. Trauma tends to do that to a human as well.

Maybe you’ve also felt that. That pit or tunnel deep inside of you. It’s filled up with a lifetime of pains and traumas that have stored up across decades. I’m discovering that secret place and have only recently found the courage to tap back into it, to open the door. It is terrifying, not gonna lie. It’s hard. It scares me. Many times, I’m scared of myself and what’s locked up inside of me. But I know that healing is on the other side of that tunnel. It’s behind the exit door of that cave.

Being so totally inept at this, I can hardly offer any advice except this. Be gentle with yourself. It’s ok. It’s ok that you have pain. It’s ok that you’ve been through struggles that have left scars inside of you. But I think maybe now’s the time we stop ignoring it. Maybe now’s the time for self-awareness. It’s time to confront yourself. It’s time to look at ourselves. But be gentle. Like a mom would bind up her baby’s wounds with the utmost care and tenderness, be gentle with your heart. Allow yourself to feel things again. Little by little. Day by day. Hope is not lost. Healing is on the other side of this journey. You’ll get there one day. You are worth it.