From the age of 16 to 29, my dream in life was to be a writer. Not just any writer – I wanted to be a world-class, famous writer who topped the New York Times Bestseller List. I wanted people to know my name. When I write, I feel alive. I feel immense passion, freedom, and joy. I thought, surely this is what I am meant to do for the rest of my life.
During my twenties, I was a writer. But not the incredibly successful type like I had dreamt of being. I started off as a reporter for a local newspaper in Dallas. I wrote about the most random things. Some things I was passionate about, some things I could honestly not care less. But still, I believed this was what will take me on the road to greatness.
And then in less than a year, I quit my job. I was so stressed out. My eye was twitching. I had no work-life balance. Both my mind and body were exhausted. So, I switched to marketing and worked as a copywriter for the next seven or eight years. At first, I felt like a total sellout. Before, at least I got the chance to write about things that semi-mattered. But now, I was writing about hotel rooms, furniture, and software processing programs. That was my quarter-life crisis season. I thought, God, what am I doing here? I thought I was better than this. I thought I was more talented. Lord, I am overqualified for this position!
These thoughts went on for a few years until I quit my job and wrote my book. It was a story idea I had for 10 years. I knew I had it in me and I needed to let it out. To this day, writing that book was one of the happiest seasons of my life. I felt the most alive and free in those months. I thought, surely God will make it succeed. Surely, it’ll get published.
Fast forward maybe a year, nobody wanted to publish it. Nobody knew who I was, therefore, I was not marketable. I had one short story published in a literary magazine and a few articles published on major sites. But still, I was a nobody. I felt the sharp pain of rejection repeatedly during this season of my life.
I was inches away from giving up on my dream. But then, with the encouragement of my mom, I self-published my book. But then unfortunately, it flopped. Here we go again, I thought. I’m a total failure. But through the grace of God and the beauty of hindsight, I see now, I wasn’t ready for the book to succeed. If that book were to have “succeeded” in a worldly, financial way, that success would’ve eaten me up alive.
Now that the context is out of the way, I wanna talk about the journey of giving up my dreams to God. When I was 29, I was at the top of my marketing career. I was a senior-level writer, even managing other writers. I was at a successful fashion brand and actually having fun with writing. I also made more money as a writer than I ever dreamed of. I thought I had “made it.” Finally!
But then I went on my first solo trip to San Diego. It had always been on my bucket list to travel solo. So, in early spring I traveled to one of my favorite cities for four days. During that time, I realized I was exhausted. It’s crazy. I had no idea how exhausted I was because I had been living so fast for the last eight years. I was working. Trying to climb that corporate ladder. Trying to provide for myself and make ends meet all while still trying to keep up with my own creative writing outlets on the side. But I was so tired.
I also realized I no longer had the urge to write. I was burnt out. But it went deeper than that. The passion that had driven me for so much of my twenties was fading. I could feel it decrease inside of me. But rather than panic, I asked God. If I’m not a writer, who am I? If I’m not a writer, what should I do? I had so much pride in being a writer. I locked it in with a huge part of my identity. Sylvia, the writer. Sylvia, the creative.
I went back home to Dallas and knew that my time at my current job was coming to an end. I didn’t know when exactly I would quit but I knew it was soon. Then one day, I think it was a random Tuesday, I gave my notice. No back-up plan. There was not even some semblance of an idea of what to do next. But I felt a peace. I knew, God would lead the way. He’d tell me when the time is right.
I gave three weeks notice and at the start of it I prayed a simple prayer. God, please tell me what you want me to do now. What is your plan for the rest of my life? Whatever your dream is for me, I’ll do it. Days went by, no answer. But I shrugged and continued living my life. I kept doing my job. There’s that verse in Philippians 4, there’s a peace that surpasses all understanding. And I felt that peace of Jesus calm and stabilize my spirit. I made a list of all the possible careers I could do after writing. I wrote down radio, broadcasting, communications, teaching, and counseling. Then I crossed off the careers that would require extra schooling. I hate school, I thought. I can’t go back now. At this age? No way.
Then, maybe two weeks after I gave my notice, I had an encounter with God. I wasn’t even thinking about jobs or the future at the time. I was just lying on my bed, getting ready to go to sleep. And then it came like lightning. I knew. I knew in an instant. It’s like my entire body knew. Counseling. That was the answer, counseling. I had never encountered God in this way before. I usually felt God through a still, small voice in my heart. Or I’d be in nature or with people and feel God’s whisper. Or I’d have a dream or see a vision, and know it was God.
But this was something entirely different. It’s like a blind person suddenly being able to see. Or a deaf person hearing for the first time. That’s the only way I can explain it. From the hairs on the top of my head to the soles on the bottom of my feet, everything inside of me was screaming with certainty – counseling. In that moment, I knew it was God answering my prayer.
So, what happened next? It may seem anticlimactic, but I was just like, ok. Ok, God. I guess I’ll do that. That simple yes has catapulted me into a journey and a life I’ve never expected in my wildest dreams. I never thought I’d go to graduate school. I never dreamed of ever being a counselor. But I am halfway through my program and am so immensely confident that this is indeed God’s dream for my life. Actually, it’s only the beginning of a much larger plan that God has for me. And counseling is the doorway to get me where God ultimately wants me.
But the moral of my story is that I would never be living the life I am now, with the increased faith and devotion to Jesus that I have now, if I didn’t submit my dreams to God and chose to live his plan rather than mine. If I didn’t ask: “God, what now? What do you want for me?” Or said: “Ok God. I’ll do what you want. My dreams no longer matter.” If those two steps didn’t take place, I would not be who I am now or where I am today.
If you’re like me, someone who loves dreams and the idea of a big life, it can be so tempting and easy to grasp to our dreams as if that’s our only purpose and identity in life. But the bigger, larger, grander purpose of our lives is to live for God and not ourselves. The moment you let go of your dreams and surrender them to the Lord, that’s the season where God will reveal what he’s actually got waiting for you.
Yes, it can be terrifying. Yes, it can be extremely painful. Yes, you can feel like you’ve lost yourself. But that surrender, I’ll tell ya, that surrender has left one of the biggest impacts on my faith. It’s the thing that made me fall deeper in love with God. It’s the thing that made me forget about myself and my will. Giving up on my dreams is what allowed me to know God and be in a relationship with Him in a much greater, more profound way.
Yes, I still struggle with wanting to go back. Life was much easier as a writer. But still, something in me has shifted dramatically. I feel like, if I simply do the things that God wants me to do, then that’s a good life. That is a grand life. That is a life well lived. A life of real success. It’s no longer about being a New York Times Bestselling author. It’s about making God happy. And living this way makes me happy. There is great joy and peace in following Christ.
I hope someone out there can relate to my story. The struggle of not reaching your dreams. The anguish of giving up your dreams. But also, the freedom of letting God decide your dreams. What a beautiful life I get to live.
Hopeful Song blog 