There are hundreds and thousands of resources when it comes to dealing with depression. But I’ve found a startling lack of resources when it comes to living life after depression. I’m talking about the spans of life when you’ve already conquered depression. When you start to see colors again, and beauty, and feel the warmth of the sun on your skin like you did before depression stole that light away.
For me, after I get out of those minor bouts or even long seasons of depression, I’ve noticed a certain fear that starts to creep up in the back of my mind. It’s this fear that this feeling of peace and wholeness is temporary and one day I’ll be back in that cold, soul-less ocean of depression. I call this feeling, post-depression fear.
It’s odd how we as humans can conquer some of the biggest battles in life and yet when there is peace – we deny ourselves a piece of it. I think we do this to protect ourselves from the looming disaster that is supposedly coming. But here’s what I’ve learned about post-depression fear…it can rob you of your ability to feel not just joy but also sadness.
For the majority of my twenties, I never let myself feel sadness. Sadness is healthy. It is a basic emotion. It is distinct from depression. If depression is blue, sadness is purple. They’re not just different shades – they’re different colors. But I spent so much of my twenties believing that if I let myself feel sadness, I’d fall into a deep, debilitating depression again. And the next time that happens, I won’t be able to get out of it. I’m not strong enough. I don’t have any more fight left in me.
I’m 31 now and I believe that I’ve only allowed myself to start feeling sadness at the age of 30. I’ve finally learned that sadness is actually helpful! That may seem like a rudimentary life lesson to some, but for me, it was a radical discovery. Sadness is cathartic. It’s giving yourself the grace and space to feel again. It’s allowing yourself to react to the struggles of life.
If you’ve been through depression, and I mean, really been through it, you’ve probably also felt that same post-depression fear. I cannot tell you that if you allow yourself to feel sad you won’t slip into the territory of depression again. That has happened to me. But I will tell you that you are so much stronger now than the very first time you endured and overcame depression. You’re wiser. You know yourself more. You know your triggers or are learning them as they come. You know what to do and what not to do. You are capable of feeling sad without drowning in depression.
My wish is that you don’t make the same mistake as I did and deny yourself the gift of sadness. It can be a gift. Sadness is the act of letting go of emotions. Don’t hold your breath until you explode. Breathe. Feel. Allow yourself moments to react, reflect, and respond. You are stronger than you think you are.
Hopeful Song blog 