Ever since starting graduate school for counseling, I’ve become hyper-aware of Asian guilt. Before experiencing Asian guilt to this gravity, I didn’t know it was a term that already existed. Asian guilt is this feeling that many Asians encounter when pursuing individual practices or goals. It’s this feeling that you’re being selfish and self-centered when pursuing things that will benefit you as an individual like getting therapy, practicing self-care rituals, or establishing boundaries with people.
Growing up in a collectivistic culture, many Asian Americans are raised within the ideal that you exist not just as an individual but as a member of an interlocking family. Your dreams, your life, your actions, don’t just affect you – they affect your family as a whole.
I remember the first time I received consistent professional counseling, I felt so self-indulgent. Spend $70 a month on myself? Ridiculous! My feelings aren’t worth that much. Do you know how many meals I could get with that money? It felt so foreign to me, which I know is ironic as a counseling student. But even when I attended my first professional counseling conference and was blessed with free meals, presentations, seminars, you name it – I felt like it was an extravagant waste. Was this alright? Is this worth it? Am I worth it?
Asian guilt creeps up on you. It’s like the mouse you forgot still existed in the attic of your home. It thrives on dust bunnies and crumbs. In reality, the food we give our guilt is the thoughts and lies we feed our brains. Yes, our parents suffered more than we have. Yes, they’ve come from war zones, a history of colonization, and probably more racism than we’ve ever encountered in our much shorter life spans. But does that mean we shouldn’t seize the greater opportunities we’ve been given here in the states?
I used to gawk at people who called therapy and mental health a necessity. A necessity? Really? But it makes sense. We must live with our minds every second of the day. Why not make it a better place to live? Of course, the Asian guilt continues. But think of the money. Think of the time. Should you really be spending so much time thinking about yourself or your past? Just get over it!
The moral of the story is that I do not know. This is something I’ve gotten so comfortable saying. I don’t know. Because that is the truth of it. Is it selfish to spend a lot of time purely focusing on yourself? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Sometimes it’s not necessary. Other times, it is a necessity and you must look inward if you wish to survive this cruel life. But if all you have in you is to survive, that’s also alright.
Seasons change and so do our views on things. Right now, I’ve learned that it is ok to think and feel and pour out and be poured into. It’s ok to cancel plans or to seek help. Sometimes guilt can be a healthy thing and sometimes it can be a bitter pill that we don’t actually have to swallow. So take things day by day, season by season. Change is uncomfortable. But over the past year, I’ve learned that it can also be worth it. Caring for yourself is not selfish. At the end of the day, the healthier and wiser you become, the more you are able to effectively care for others.
Hopeful Song blog 